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Thought 1: Hell

Hell is not fire and brimstone and devils with pitchforks…

In Hell, your bed is uncomfortable, and the pillows are dirty so whenever you lie on them you feel gross. You wake up too early every morning, imagining you’re going to sleep through the alarm. At breakfast, the cereal is always the crumbs from the bottom and the milk is too warm. There is always traffic on the way to work, and all the radio stations play crappy Christian rock.

Your books are always missing one page, and the print is too small. All decks of cards are missing the ten of spades. You get the Internet, but only dial-up that randomly conks out 3 or 4 times an hour, if you can even wait that long. Your chair is very hard and uncomfortable.

Your pants are too short, the waist is too large, and your pockets are too small. Your shirts are out of style and brandish only things you once liked but now resent. The labels scratch the back of your neck.

The water is hard, the beer is stale, the soda is flat, and the ice cream has freezer burn. All newspaper articles are written by Ann Coulter, and all TV shows and movies star Brooke Shields and Pauly Shore.

You stub your toe (see comic!), you bite your tongue, you cut your fingernail too short, and you have an itch on the roof of your mouth – these are what you look forward to every day.

You get to enjoy intimate company, but you either can’t get it up / get wet, come far too soon, or are with a guy who does.

When you do a crossword, the pencil breaks. Pens run out of ink after three letters. Batteries always need replacing and you’re always out of clean dishes.

You forget about tests, deadlines at work, and Valentine’s Day. You forget your ticket or ID or passport at home.

Your parents call every day and your friends and significant others never do. People date you for 2 weeks and then dump you, and all your exes turn out to be crazy stalkers.

You wake up every day with the hope that maybe it will be different this time, only to see your dreams crushed all over again.

…I think I’d take fire and brimstone.